


Apologies.

by BubblegumCannibal



Series: Commissions and Gifts [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-06-19
Packaged: 2018-04-05 04:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4164912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BubblegumCannibal/pseuds/BubblegumCannibal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commission for a friend of what really happened in Shepard's quarters when Kaidan comes to talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apologies.

**Author's Note:**

> Ship: F!Shenko  
> Word count: 1441  
> Characters: Shepard & Kaidan Alenko

“Tell me the truth. I don’t want to hear anything else. No excuses. No more ‘what’s past has past,’ bullshit. I want to know everything, Arrie.”

Her name on anyone’s lips always brought a little bit of fear to her heart. Mayhaps one had grown accustomed to hearing address her as her rank and surname that just hearing anything but ran a chill down her back. It was like a child fearing their middle after being told off by a parent.

Yet, Kaidan was no parent, but his disappointment was just as close. Focused, were those whiskey orbs taut on the woman before him. Dark as they were, they held so much emotion mixing in a dangerous concoction that put her on edge. He wasn’t the type to get as angry as he was, but he had every reason to be.

Chewing on her bottom lip, Shepard averted her gaze down into her steaming tea. Where could she possibly start with this roller coaster of what he deemed “the truth”? She could always just drop him from the tip of the coaster at Horizon and send him through every possible loop-de-loop that The Illusive Man shot her through with no second thought of her ever ripping Cerberus apart from the inside.

–Or she could just hand over a synopsis of “we did this” and “we did that” while avoiding how she really felt.

                               No. Not with  _him._ He deserved the full story.

Alone, did she feel, waking up in that clusterfuck of a lab. The way she described to him—cold, nauseated, exhausted, breathless—it was terror that she had awoken too and no one could understand the panic she forced herself to endure alone. Especially being with the enemy for so long before at least seeing a friendly face. At least there was a bit of ease to the warrior’s remade heart.

“Seeing you was not on my agenda, Kaidan. I had no idea you were going to be there, nor had I planned to be fighting the things people turned their backs on me for. I–” Pale hands gripped at the hot mug, “I asked you to join because I needed peace of mind. Garrus and the rest are everything that helps make the Normandy, but you… you helped me in ways others couldn’t. You listened to me complain or you just sat there with me.”

The silence from her words was interrupted by the click of her rings against the warming ceramic, “I needed you most then and you turned your back too.”

Life would have been better if she  _had_ died. The SR1 was gone. A good chunk of the crew—gone. And the Captain? It was fascinating to hear that the atmosphere had her strewn across the planet. For Arrie Shepard, that was the end not the beginning to something larger.

Perhaps that was the non-romantic way of saying that the Captain had, in fact, gone down with her ship. Yet, for Arrie Shepard, that was the end and most definitely not the beginning to something larger. Though The Illusive man would greatly disagree. To him she was the most needed individual for this mission, and if it meant eradicating alien planets and hoarding all the information for a proud xenophobic group, then it was perfect.

She was the best thing to ever land into the lap of Cerberus.

Kaidan’s brows knitted with his sour expression at that last line. “ _The best thing to ever land into the lap of Cerberus._ ” He would laugh at her words if she weren’t serious. Verily, his heart ached and frothed with embitterment. Even if Cerberus had brought her back, she had every bit of influence to turn against them, yet she continued to obey every order TIM sent out.

“You were one of his pawns, Arrie.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“ _Bullshit,_ ” he repeated. “Everything you’re saying to me sounds like bullshit. Cerberus is here for power and they’ll do anything to get it… even if that means recreating… you. And they got it. They made the perfect Shepard but forgot to add the scars that defined her. Even there, they added the pain that strived in her soul but forgot to add in the fact that the Arrie Shepard I knew–”

“—Know.”

“What?”

“You keep mentioning me as if I’m just an imitation in front of you!” Shepard never meant for her voice to rise and crack towards the end, however, here they were angrily snapping their maws at each other like a couple of miffed mutts. 

As hands balled, the veins in his hands rose then fell out of view. Aggrivated as he was, a gentle sigh came as his hands fell to his hips, “–The Arrie Shepard  _I know_  wouldn’t have let him boss her around for so long.”

“I never let him boss me around, Kaidan. He gave me a mission with an agenda— _save humanity._ And I did that! TWICE! I not only saved humanity, but I saved every bit of organic and non-organic life in this cluster and almost the next. I twisted his missions to benefit the Alliance and the Council and you’re still treating me like some mindless drone?”

“ _’Cause you could have left, Arrie._ ”

Could have. She could have packed her shit up within the Normandy, dealt with the paperwork given and just continued her mission at the behest of the Council as a proud reinstated N7 Spectre. Alas, things were never so simple.

“You say that like it’s easy. The Illusive Man had ever bit of information we needed. I couldn’t have–”

“—I don’t care what he had. I would have gladly accepted you to come back home if you had just turned against him. I would have blindly followed behind you if I knew you were coming back to me  _alive._ ”

“I did! I took everything in my power to finish that mission so I could come home alive. I dragged myself through the lies being spread about me in order to return with everything they put their money into—my own carcass included. It was imperative that I slow the reapers down a few more years.”

If human hands were strong enough to crush steel, her desk would have been gone by now. Every word almost sent him over as he gripped to the edge of the table he leaned against.

“So the mission was more important than everything else?”

“I don’t mean it like that.”

“That’s what you’re saying though. The mission was too grand for you to just run off with everything. I-it was too vital for you to belay any message to me through anyone?”

_You were away on a mission…_

“I explained this to you. I did this for the benefit of all of us.”

Hands, lithe but calloused, pressed against rough cheeks. Even with reddening eyes, she kept her composure to never let one tear drop. Alenko had every right to accuse her of all the nonsense Cerberus threw her into and with the double agent foolishness that came with it, she knew all of this would sound insane to him. If she had any say in what her rules were, he would have been the first to know every move she made. He would have known that she kept him in mind as motivation.

She would have been finally at rest if he weren’t her reasoning to stay alive.

“Kaidan, I was gone— _trapped_ in an endless sleep that I could not free myself from, for a long time…  _and I’m sorry._ I’m so sorry I left you behind.”

Pallid fingers scratched at the stubble of his jaw as he stepped away from her. Over the sound of his pounding heart, Kaidan wanted to hear her say it once more. Those were the words he wanted to hear muffled between embraces as he held her once again, but even then he wanted to be nowhere near her. At this point, he was afraid he’d fall head over heels for her again. Though, the Major felt as if it were too late for a thought like that.

_Far too late._

Heart beating in his ears, Kaidan could not catch himself before pressing against her. A hand at her back and the other at her cheek, pulling her in for a touch significantly too familiar. Lips still lightly chapped, but her skin under roughened hands was still just as soft as he could remember.

Through a small break betwixt breaths, a frown curled his expression, “Forgive me?”

“As long as you do the same.”

                                                                                                                **“Apology accepted.”**


End file.
